Cardross on the Clyde

AnElephantCant hide his pure pleasure
In Scotland in springtime in sun
The bright blue the fresh green the blossom
And no one with an elephant gun

Last evening he wandered through Cardross
With his buddy Big Rab by his side
Admiring the trees in the churchyard
In that bonnie wee town on the Clyde

Windmills and Windbags

AnElephantCant say that he’s certain
Whether wind farms are good things or not
From what he has read
There is much to be said
On both sides so he gives it some thought

Clean energy is clearly a benefit
As Scotland strives to keep our planet green
But these structures might be
Considered unsightly
Can we build turbines that generate unseen?

AnElephantCant pretend he’s a big fan
Of the US tycoon Donald Trump
It is fair to say
He likes his own way
If he can’t get it he pure takes the hump

The last chap who tilted at windmills
Was in a book that our Don might have read
This affable clown
Was abruptly knocked down
He did not listen to what anyone said

So oor Donald is building a golf course
And would like the horizon protected
He thinks he can tower
Over our future power
He does not want to see wind farms erected

He thinks that he can tell our Government
What can be built off our scenic east coast
They have a mandate
From Scotland’s electorate
I don’t remember him getting our votes

Could he possibly have ulterior motives
For trying to get this project binned?
We could make whoopee
Poking fun at his, em, hair
But perhaps he just doesn’t like a strong wind

He claims he is trying to save Scotland
He holds our scenery in the highest esteem
Are we being unfair
To say he didn’t care
Until it affected his money-making scheme?

We have a wee message for Donnie
We are a friendly and peace-loving race
Please listen carefully
We don’t like a bully
So gi’e us peace and don’t get in our face

Happy Birthday, Rabbie

If he had written
Haikus we would drink far less
Whisky on Burns Night

Happy Birthday, Rabbie, and thanks for everything!

Tongue Tied

AnElephantCant praise this too highly

He hopes you don’t find it too boring

He thinks it is cool

That at primary school

They will teach our kids two kinds of foreign

AnElephantCant speak very good German

When he greets you it sounds like a sneeze

When he’s in Deutschland

With phrase book in hand

He says Ich spreche nur Schottisch

AnElephantCant converse in Italian

He just doesn’t find it so easy

He feels quite at home

In Milan or Rome

But says Parlo solo Scozzese

AnElephantCant pronounce Chinese Mandarin

He can’t get his tongue to do tricks

Confucius say Why

Not give it a try?

But he can’t even eat with chopsticks

AnElephantCant be charming in Spanish

There’s no way he is smelling like roses

In Madrid or Tenerife

He just grits his teeth

Saying lo siento hablo solamente escocés

AnElephantCant parle the old Francais

Though he has been there more often than Rothesay

He has mastered one phrase

This Elephant says

Ooh la la Je ne parle qu’Ecossais

AnElephantCant grasp Hindi or Urdu

Is he too old to learn a new tongue?

He may not be bright

But he knows it is right

To teach our children while they are still young

So AnElephantCant claim he’s a linguist

He can’t even claim that he’s clever

But please rest assured

Whene’er he’s abroad

He can trumpet Bonnie Scotland For Ever!

On the news that the Scottish Government has announced ambitious plans to teach all primary pupils at least two modern languages:
http://www.heraldscotland.com/news/education/modern-languages-target-1.1117552

Relocation of Edinburgh Castle

AnElephantCant help feeling sorry
For the problems that Princes Street faces
This great thoroughfare
Built with such care
In a city of such airs and graces

Edinburgh New Town was designed to be perfect
With George Street the jewel in the crown
But folk vote with their feet
And soon Princes Street
Was the most popular shopping in town

On a rock high above stands the castle
It is Scotland’s most desirable location
But one tourist said
While scratching his head
Why did you build it so close to the station?

Glasgow has its own retail problems
The old main streets are fast being closed
For each charity shop
An independent is chopped
And consumers are leaving in droves

Young mums prefer out of town centres
Where shopping is less of a pain
You drive there stress free
And park for no fee
Stroll around with no thought for the rain

We do have a solution to all this
We do not just trumpet for fun
The decline can be stopped
With a wee simple swap
Just listen to what can be done

Glasgow takes over the castle
And rebuilds it close to the river
It can’t be denied
That close to the Clyde
The locals would think it wiz jist pure dead clever

We give Edinburgh the St Enoch Centre
To locate where the castle now isn’t
A capital delight
With shops on both sides
We’d soon see that the spending had risen

This solution will keep everyone happy
Princes Street with not one side but two
We’ll all be well off
With the postcards we sell of
Scotland’s best known landmark with a great river view!

public transport

AnElephantCant go on a choo-choo
Apparently that’s just not allowed
We think that you’ll find
His considerable behind
Makes him stand out a bit from the crowd

In Wales they don’t even let horses
Ride on their trains because as they say
If you’ve got four feet
You can run down the street
On public transport you get in the way

So dogs are allowed if on leashes
Or anything you can put in a box
So squirrels or mice
Bed bugs or head lice
And they’re fine with my friend Phil the Fox

It does seem a bit arbitrary
To carry commuters or football supporters
But we don’t take the hump
We’re a big heffelump
It’s not like we’re wee lambs to the slaughter

Animal smuggling

AnElephantCant condone animal smuggling
He thinks this an enormous disgrace
A chap from Thailand
Clearly not a nice man
Had a pile of wee tots in his case

He had leopard cubs, panthers and monkeys
In his luggage and even a bear
This just is not funny
There is not enough money
To justify this lack of care

So what do we do to prevent this?
What punishment do you think is due?
We don’t do persecution
But a fair substitution
Might be twenty five years in a zoo!

Creative solution to knife crime

AnElephantCant ever condone violence
Or carrying a weapon with intent to wound
But Labour’s campaign
Is quite frankly insane
We have suggestions if you just stay tuned

Some folk carry knives for a purpose
Like an artist a joiner a chef
Tradesmen need their tools
The police would look fools
To arrest everyone with a weapon of death

No the punishment must provide the answer
To carrying chibs with intent to chib
If you carry a knife
To ruin someone’s life
Then it’s obvious you should get your dibs

So what we suggest is a contest
Where these idiots can stab as they like
Now this may sound cruel
A back sword fencing duel
Lets them pierce prod and jab with a spike

For an opponent we suggest some rich banker
Although sometimes we cannot call him that
And folk who’ve been mugged
By banks or by thugs
Can sit round and cheer tit for tat

Now Butch Cassidy laid down a precedent
For a knife fight there must be set rules
No need to be glum
Because only the bum
Can be stabbed in back sword fencing duels

Old folks who are robbed of their pensions
And young ones just treated like dirt
By neds in the street
Deserve a wee treat
To make up for the fear and the hurt

The audience will have bottles of Sarsons
Supplied free at back sword fencing matches
To amuse the crowd
They will be allowed
To splash it happily all over the scratches

Wembley 1961

AnElephantCant forget all the heartache
And the tears from those long ago days
When our team headed over the border
Overburdened with false hopes and praise

They travelled from all over Scotland
From Inverness Dalkeith and Busby
On hearing the score one wee fella cried
I thought it was next week for the rugby!

Once again we believed we could beat them
Once again it was pearls before swine
Our brave laddies soon rattled in 3 goals
Alas the Sassenach battered in nine

We used to be no’ bad at the fitba’
There was one thing that we learnt too slowly
If you want to compete with the big guys
Then it’s better to play with a goalie

But we are a remarkable nation
We do not react well to oppression
So our stunning response to this setback
Was to beat them three times in succession

Aye we had some great players in those days
The Lawman Slim Jim and St John
But even though it is 50 years later
We remember April 15th 1961

Ode to Spring

AnElephantCant stop looking out of the window
At the cold when he is cosy inside
As long as he stays in
The outlook’s amazing
Three miles across the great River Clyde

When it’s bleak - which is pretty much always -
Rain and hail swirl thick as fish stew
Clouds hanging low
Wind-driven snow
A combination to obscure any view

Then he sees the ferry come round from Kilcreggan
And the subs heading up to the base
Gulls on the wing
The first hint of spring
And crocuses bring a smile to his face

Sunny Helton-upon-Sea is a fun spot
You can easily pop down for a day
By car or by train
Or a boat o’er the main
And Loch Lomond is just minutes away

There’s a pier and a beach for the kiddies
There are places to go for your tea
Abandon your regime
And have a wee ice cream
In sunny Helton-upon-Sea

But there is a cloud for each silver lining
Trepidation makes AnElephant’s knees knock
A tear comes to his eye
When sunshine brightens the sky
He can see all the way over to Greenock!

Spurious Apostrophe Donation Society

AnElephantCant get the confusion
With apostrophes - why where and when
So let us set out a few simple rules
So they are never misused ever again

An apostrophe lets you know something is missing
Let’s all be quite clear about that
It also indicates the possessive
Cat’s pyjamas are the pyjamas of Cat

No apostrophe in a possessive pronoun
Yours ours his hers or its
But you will see it’s appearing in this word
To show that the ‘i’ is missing from ‘is’

Now you do have to understand one thing
We’ll make it as big and as clear as a mural
An apostrophe can be used for a good many things
But it is never to be used in a plural

Now there may well be pedants among you
Who question this extraordinary rant
When there is clearly an apostrophe missing
Which just proves that AnElephantCant

Coulport - privatisation fiasco

AnElephantCant raise several billion
Of pounds that is oodles and oodles
So with a little support
We will just buy Coulport
With some rhymes and a few of Phil’s doodles

We’ll turn the place into a theme park
Invite kids from Arrochar Tarbet and Luss
It’s quite hard to reach
Loch Long’s stony beach
Perhaps the Council will lay on a bus?

The kids can take turns firing rockets
They can aim them at Russia or Spain
At 3 shots for a bob
That will be just the job
To stop our taxes being poured down the drain

AnElephantCant abide nuclear weapons
We have our own ultimate deterrent
No enemy can survive
Our midges and pies
Or a fortnight where the folk at The Fair went

Now Phil does some stuff that Walt Disney
He can draw missiles and stealth subs and stuff
We don’t want the Yanks
Owning our bonnie banks
So let’s tell them enough is enough

If the Americans take over Coulport
We must ask what else they might do
Will they conquer Rosneath
Garelochhead and beneath
Jings crivvens they’re heading for Rhu

Our plan is to keep the Clyde Scottish
And say no to the big Yankee bucks
No Hershey bars here
No Miller Lite beer
Just Irn Bru and a tea cake from Tunnocks

So let’s enjoy Scotland’s best day out at Coulport
See the foxes the seals and the deer
If enough people come
It will go like a bomb
All good fun - there is nothing to fear ……..

don't drink and drive Montana style

Safety Thirst


AnElephantCant stop himself laughing
At this news from Montana of course
If you’ve been for a beer
And your vision’s unclear
Leave your wheels and go home on your horse

The Department of Transportation
Made a video to keep folks out of trouble
If you go to the bar
Don’t drive there in your car
Take your horse and relax with a double

Now it was not supposed to be literal
The nag was just shown as a metaphor
But this mountainous race
Took the advice at face
The analogy they didn’t get for sure

No surprise there’s a city called Glasgow
At the heart of this faraway land
A new breed of Weegie
Who crawl onto their gee-gee
And trot home when they’re too drunk to stand

AnElephantCant help thinking of worse things
You could do when you’ve polished your dram off
When it’s time to go
Don’t walk home in the snow
Hitch a ride on a big woolly mammoth

export drive

AnElephantCant halt the recession
We think that is Camelegg’s job
But we’re beginning to increase our exports
And to generate quite a few bob

We have received two Australian orders
Both of them strangely from Perth
They noticed our books on the website
And said please send them to the ends of the earth

So now we are growing famous Down Under
(and we don’t want to hear any rude jokes)
We know we’re not Slessor or Livingstone
We’re not sure we can civilize folks

There is a long-standing Scottish tradition
To explore educate cure and feed
Eric Liddell would find this quite a challenge
AnElephantCant teach an Aussie to read!

Gun law

Gun law

AnElephantCant quite grasp the concept
An Elephant hears a story that vexes
But he isn't the one
Who is carrying a gun
Into the government building in Texas

There are queues to get through the detectors
But you can walk right on by with your pass
With your Colt on your hip
It allows you to skip
Straight inside to prove this law is an ass

If they know you are carrying a weapon
Then you don't have to queue to be searched
For one that's concealed
You have a clear field
To shoot politicians like birds off a perch

Now they could try this in Westminster
But then again no perhaps not
Imagine the crowd
The place would be stowed
We would all be lining up for a shot!

shuffle your waje!

With sales far beyond expectation and wedges of moolah now in the company’s bank account, Helensburgh’s innovative business, AnElephantCant, scored a major success at the recent Homes & Interiors show at Glasgow’s SECC.
The product this time is, as we’ve reported on before - Waje - and the strapline is ‘Shuffle your Waje’. It’s a hip phrase and it’s a neat concept - WAll JEwellery. The notion is dressing your walls without breaking the bank - and creating different relationships between the artworks as you do with your clothes.
The neat trick has been the creation of a special fabric on which the artwork is printed - one taking a specific adhesive device that allows the prints to be easily moved around. What you get is art on your walls with all the unpretentious serendipity of the poster - but with more substance and durability and a system that makes swopping around and creating new combinations of the objects quick and fun.
They describe it as ‘fine art at consumable prices’ and the art in question is original material by Greenock’s Phil Burns who, with Brian Cairnduff, is a partner in An Elephant Can’t.
Cairnduff says that, with their partners Richard Fildes and Bill Laughlin of 2Canvas, he and Phil had targeted this prestigious show as a market trial for waje - wall jewellery: ‘to test whether the great Scottish public was ready for this radical challenge to how art is packaged, sold and viewed’.
It was.
Reeling from the success of their bold investment, Cairnduff admits: ‘There are now dozens of folk out there with waje on their walls. They looked, they questioned and they bought. Most people took it on board very quickly, loved the idea that you don’t need frames, glass or nails, and were intrigued by the fact that is is moveable. The waje shuffle just took off!’
He pays tribute to the 2canvas team, saying: ‘The work done by Ricky and Bill was critical to this success. The high quality and resilience of the silk-like paper coupled with the ‘magic’ no-residue adhesive was a major factor in allowing Phil’s art-work to be presented in the best possible way’.
Naturally there a few sniffs from the oxygen-thin altitudes of the Scottish art establishment. While one art expert said: ‘You guys have created a new way of selling art’, Brian Cairnduff noted that: ‘Some dealers, of course, were less enthusiastic. But I guess even an elephant can’t please all of the people all of the time’.They almost bottled it. ‘We were sitting in a cafe outside Partick station, wondering if this was a really dumb idea even by our standards. We had done some market research, of course, but mainly through people who knew us. Taking Waje to an audience of thousands of complete strangers was suddenly an intimidating prospect.
Then the teenage waitress bounced up to our table with that special vitality that characterises so much of what Glasgow is about. I looked at Phil, he was grinning back at me.
“Joie-de-vivre”, he said, “That’s what we sell and people will buy it”.
And we’re taking no bets on what’s coming down the track next. ‘Wait till you hear our next scheme’, we heard, chortling in the ether. ‘We are going on a Great Highland Tour’. Will it be Loch Ness?