Sunday 20 May 2012

Eurovision Song Snoozefest

AnElephantCant knock Engelbert Humperdinck
Because our mum was a bit of a fan
We don’t think he can sing
But that is not the main thing
Mum found him a handsome and quite charming man

He is going to win EuroVision
The Song Contest that nobody watches
If you tune in you find
You go out of your mind
And your ears become covered in blotches

We are not planning to be overcritical
We will not list this old crooner’s faults
But we strongly exhort
That he keeps his song short
Not like the dreary interminable mind-numbingly tedious repetitive boring Last Waltz

He made his fortune performing in Vegas
Reducing blue rinses to tears
He owes his great fame
To his quite silly name
And no hit song in the last 40 years

He has entertained old dearies for decades
So this Elephant does not want to be beastly
But old Hump should retire
In a chair by the fire
And burn the dreary interminable mind-numbingly tedious repetitive boring Release Me

Now we have been told that our rhyme is unfriendly
And that we must attach an addendum
Engie sings marvellous songs
He rights the world’s wrongs
We apologise sincerely to AnElephant’s Mum

Wednesday 16 May 2012

I spy with my little eye

AnElephantCant keep a secret
We have discovered Mrs Ellie is a spy
Not double-oh seven
She is more legs eleven
AnElephant is happy that he is her guy

She has long had a wee crush on Sean Connery
But then again what woman does not
We have to admit
We are jealous a bit
He is apparently the world’s handsomest Scot

She always says she is a Civil Servant
Although civility is not her strong suit
She comes from Glasgow
Where as all Doctors know
You learn kung fu if you plan to stay cute

As a femme fatale she is well qualified
She has those alluring good looks
We try not to rile her
Cos when she gets hostiler
She makes brave men turn whiter than Spooks

We ask if she ever gets violent
She tells us it is quite arbitrary
Disdaining strong arm
She prefers to use charm
Less Dirty and more Mata Hari

AnElephantCant claim he is courageous
But he knows Mrs E is quite bold
If he gets a fright
On a bleak wintry night
He wants her to come in from the cold

Although she really is quite easy going
Here is something you should quickly learn
That if you upset her
She will draw her Beretta
And make you wish you had never been Bourne

There are dozens of great secret agents
Our Man Flint George Smiley Jack Bauer
Get Smart and Matt Helm
But the superest of them
Is Mrs Elephant with her trunkful of Powers

She has skills that would make your eyes water
So we try very hard to ca’ canny*
She knows nine martial arts
And she is quite good at darts
And she can disguise herself as your granny

Now we ask you to please keep our secret
Because that is one thing she has often said
She gives us fair warning
We will wake up one morning
To discover we are already dead

* ca’ canny = be careful

Thursday 3 May 2012

Cardross on the Clyde

AnElephantCant hide his pure pleasure
In Scotland in springtime in sun
The bright blue the fresh green the blossom
And no one with an elephant gun

Last evening he wandered through Cardross
With his buddy Big Rab by his side
Admiring the trees in the churchyard
In that bonnie wee town on the Clyde