Wednesday 16 November 2011

Elephants in Space

AnElephantCant stay earthbound for ever
He has dreams of one day travelling through space
Just like an astronaut
Whether he can go fast or not
The thought leaves a smile on this elephant’s face

There is an expedition to land on the Red Planet
AnElephant isn’t sure if he’d go so far or not
But he’ll give it a try
He will fly through the sky
With the prospect of becoming a Marsonaut

He has ambitions of being a spaceman
He wants to cruise down the great Milky Way
Chocolate bar in his pocket
To munch in his rocket
Because a Mars helps you work rest and play

He’ll see millions of things of great interest
Like black holes and meteor storms
He’ll spot Jedi and Klingons
Bypass-building Vogons
And he might even meet Major Tom

He’ll go out and claim planets for Scotland
With a giant Lion Rampant as plain as
The nose on his face
He’ll explore outer space
And plant it on Saturn or Uranus

But his Sputnik must be totally reliable
Because on Jupiter you can’t jump a train
You can’t find a taxi
To go south of the galaxy
And it’s a long cold walk home in the rain

On his return he will have lots of stories
Where he has been and what he has seen then
A couple of lite beers
To pass the light years
With his friends the Marsvellous wee green men

Sunday 13 November 2011

Fishy tales and fishy toes

AnElephantCant say that he fancies
His feet being nibbled by fish
He isn’t too sure
But this pedicure
Is perhaps just a little bit kitsch

It’s the latest in beauty craze treatments
Garra Rufa fish munch on your toes
Please don’t be misled
They only chomp what is dead
This Elephant frets they might chew on his nose

So you dip your big plates into water
And these tiny dudes think it’s their tea
They immediately begin
To eat the dead skin
But they won’t go as far as your knee

Some folk worry that this spreads diseases
When you have grazes or cuts on your feet
But if the water is clean
And you know where you’ve been
These Doctor fish could be right up your street

We are somewhat concerned what comes after
We’ve been spruced up by these little fellas
We’re not too enthused
If our appendage is used
As a place for folk to keep their umbrellas

Saturday 5 November 2011

Golden Years

On the approval of plans for gold mining at Tyndrum in the Scottish Highlands:

Up at Tyndrum there’s a syndrome
Get rich quick we’ll all be fine
Like 49ers
That’s where you’ll find us
Up to our oxters in a mine

Just hang a left at Crianlarich
A few miles up the A-8-2
That’s where you’ll find us
Like 49ers
Doing what prospectors do

We’re not vandals we’ll pan handle
Sift for gold with our wee pan
Like 49ers
That’s how you’ll find us
Get rich quick is our big plan

It’s not the Yukon not the Klondyke
It’s a bonnie Highland glen
Like 49ers
That’s where you’ll find us
Searching for gold till who knows when

In California they built cities
San Francisco flowered that way
Like 49ers
We wish you’d find us
In that city by the bay

We don’t like lemons grapefruit or oranges
No citrus fruit of any kind
We’re Scottish miners
Not 49ers
We have no taste for clementines

In a tavern with our companion
Perhaps we sip a glass of wine
Like 49ers
That’s where you’ll find us
Not too rich but doing fine

So we wonder is this the answer
To so much of Scotland’s ills
Like 49ers
That’s where you’ll find us
After gold in them thar hills