Fishy tales and fishy toes

AnElephantCant say that he fancies
His feet being nibbled by fish
He isn’t too sure
But this pedicure
Is perhaps just a little bit kitsch

It’s the latest in beauty craze treatments
Garra Rufa fish munch on your toes
Please don’t be misled
They only chomp what is dead
This Elephant frets they might chew on his nose

So you dip your big plates into water
And these tiny dudes think it’s their tea
They immediately begin
To eat the dead skin
But they won’t go as far as your knee

Some folk worry that this spreads diseases
When you have grazes or cuts on your feet
But if the water is clean
And you know where you’ve been
These Doctor fish could be right up your street

We are somewhat concerned what comes after
We’ve been spruced up by these little fellas
We’re not too enthused
If our appendage is used
As a place for folk to keep their umbrellas

Golden Years

On the approval of plans for gold mining at Tyndrum in the Scottish Highlands:

http://www.walkhighlands.co.uk/news/tyndrum-gold-mine-plans-approved/005498/

Up at Tyndrum there’s a syndrome

Get rich quick we’ll all be fine

Like 49ers

That’s where you’ll find us

Up to our oxters in a mine

Just hang a left at Crianlarich

A few miles up the A-8-2
That’s where you’ll find us
Like 49ers
Doing what prospectors do

We’re not vandals we’ll pan handle

Sift for gold with our wee pan
Like 49ers
That’s how you’ll find us
Get rich quick is our big plan

It’s not the Yukon not the Klondyke
It’s a bonnie Highland glen
Like 49ers
That’s where you’ll find us
Searching for gold till who knows when

In California they built cities

San Francisco flowered that way
Like 49ers
We wish you’d find us
In that city by the bay

We don’t like lemons grapefruit or oranges
No citrus fruit of any kind
We’re Scottish miners
Not 49ers
We have no taste for clementines

In a tavern with our companion

Perhaps we sip a glass of wine
Like 49ers
That’s where you’ll find us
Not too rich but doing fine

So we wonder is this the answer

To so much of Scotland’s ills
Like 49ers
That’s where you’ll find us
After gold in them thar hills

Who wants to live forever

AnElephantCant get too excited
About what happens to him after he’s dead
He hopes he’s not lost
At sea or squashed
He’d like to pop off his clogs in his bed

Though he is not too fussed about after
It will be nice if a few friends come round
A story or three
And a nice cup of tea
When he’s been neatly tucked into the ground

Or maybe he’ll just get cremated
Not really a cause for concern
A wee puff of smoke
A laugh and a joke
And he’ll be sitting there in a big urn

Now it turns out there are other options
A whole new array of attractions
Such as Resomation*
For your information
It’s a method of body liquefaction

In Florida this is a boom thing
Because it is more eco-friendly
In fact it is no less
Than a chemical process
You could say it’s a bit sticky-endy

The other idea is Promession*
Where the body is carefully freeze-dried
It ends up all brittle
You tap it a little
And get a pile of dust about knee high

Now AnElephant isn’t sure that he likes this
Though no doubt it is all very clever
With typical candour
Like the mythical Highlander
He thinks it’s better to just live forever

AnElephant has one more suggestion
Which boosts the economy of our wee nation
Relax in your vault
With a bottle of malt
And drink till you reach distillification

*For more info:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alkaline_hydrolysis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Promession

Nut Case

On the recent news that 2 adults sued their mother for being a bad parent



http://abcnews.go.com/US/adult-children-sue-mom-bad-parent/story?id=14407409

AnElephantCant really stop scratching

His head at our American chums

These kids sue their mum

You just know this is dumb

And it is certain that they are onto plums*

They take her to court for big payback

They say she has been bad to them

She didn’t send cash

She wasn’t that rash

We think that this lady should sue them

She told them to put on their seat belts

Do you think that infringes their rights?

No cash in a card

Oh gosh that is hard

We wonder how she sleeps at night

Now you may well feel sorry for children

Whose mummy does not give them plenty

Of loving and care

But this whinging pair

Are both of them aged over twenty

We have some advice for these people

Raised in a $1.5 million home

If you think life is tough

Then you don’t know snuff

So grow up and make a life of your own

In this country we call it brung-uppedness*

We don’t know if that’s a real word or not

But one way or another

You look after of your mother

If you’re American a Martian or a Scot

Note:

* to be onto plums – to have no chance of success

*brung-uppedness – upbringing, how you were raised

A Letter from Old Edinburgh

AnElephantCant help ourself fretting
About the problems that Edinburgh faces
They’re in all sorts of jams
With their plans for their trams
But they aren’t getting to any good places

Now it seems that the reason for all this
Is the lack of accountability
City councillors agree
It’s no’ you and me
Do we just put it down to senility?

So does Edinburgh need a new heid yin?
A serious and responsible player
Not some comedian
Like Boris or Ken
But an elected and respected Mayor

Now AnElephantCant suggest who this could be
We don’t really know anyone famous
Let each voter say
I’m on my way
We could do worse than elect The Proclaimers

We know there are details to work on
At this point things are still a bit vague
But if we sack the council
To cut back the town’s bill
We can just afford Charlie and Craig

One thing is so certain with this plan
Although the rhymes will probably get badder
When they are away
In touch they will stay
Whether they are in Miami or Canada

Now their campaign will surely be great fun
They’ll bring laughter and a bundle of smiles
And they’ll be consistent
No matter how distant
These boys will walk 500 miles

Now we know you’re all bored by this subject
We guess that you’re sick to the teeth
But with these guys on board
We can all rest assured
Those trams will bring Sunshine to Leith

If no trams then an anthem for Embru
The good burghers can sing round the clock
A lively wee ditty
To cheer up the city
With the chorus of course I could walk

All together now:
Ta ra da ta ta ra da ta
Ta ra da ta ta ra da ta
Ta ra la da la la da la la da la la da la la

Pure Dead Walking

AnElephantCant understand Zombies
He’s not sure just what makes them tick
But one thing’s for sure
All that blood and gore
Leaves this Elephant feeling quite sick

He knows that this is a movie
The star is that wee hunk Brad Pitt
He’s not dishing out kisses
Cos he’s brought the missus
Local girls think that’s a right piece of bad luck

All Glasgow is acting its socks off
And George Square has become Philadelphia
The director has said
This city’s pure dead
And the locals all say gaun yersel’ there

AnElephantCant say what the plot is
He knows it is called World War Z
It’s stuck in his head
That it’s pronounced zed
But our friends from the States don’t agree

We have some advice for commuters
Be careful on your way to work
And keep your eyes open
Or you could be groping
A Zombie if he’s having a lurk

All too soon the excitement is over
Nothing left but the scars and the stains
It’s goodbye to Brad
But don’t feel too sad
Instead of Mars Bars we’ll munch deep-fried brains

Tongue Tied

AnElephantCant praise this too highly

He hopes you don’t find it too boring

He thinks it is cool

That at primary school

They will teach our kids two kinds of foreign

AnElephantCant speak very good German

When he greets you it sounds like a sneeze

When he’s in Deutschland

With phrase book in hand

He says Ich spreche nur Schottisch

AnElephantCant converse in Italian

He just doesn’t find it so easy

He feels quite at home

In Milan or Rome

But says Parlo solo Scozzese

AnElephantCant pronounce Chinese Mandarin

He can’t get his tongue to do tricks

Confucius say Why

Not give it a try?

But he can’t even eat with chopsticks

AnElephantCant be charming in Spanish

There’s no way he is smelling like roses

In Madrid or Tenerife

He just grits his teeth

Saying lo siento hablo solamente escocés

AnElephantCant parle the old Francais

Though he has been there more often than Rothesay

He has mastered one phrase

This Elephant says

Ooh la la Je ne parle qu’Ecossais

AnElephantCant grasp Hindi or Urdu

Is he too old to learn a new tongue?

He may not be bright

But he knows it is right

To teach our children while they are still young

So AnElephantCant claim he’s a linguist

He can’t even claim that he’s clever

But please rest assured

Whene’er he’s abroad

He can trumpet Bonnie Scotland For Ever!

On the news that the Scottish Government has announced ambitious plans to teach all primary pupils at least two modern languages:
http://www.heraldscotland.com/news/education/modern-languages-target-1.1117552

Munros

AnElephantCant climb up high mountains
He is not built like a svelte Mountain Goat
He does have strange views
On hearing the news
Beinn a’Chlaidheimh is now two feet short

It was always considered a Munro
Which you a’ ken must be 3,000 feet
Now technology says
It is 30 inches less
That’s enough to make a poor wee Ben greet

AnElephantCant help but feel sorry
For a mountain that’s been treated this way
Aw jings and oh no
I’m no’ a Munro
I am just a wee Corbett they say

But there are still 282 Munros
If you fancy going out Munro bagging
Each 900 plus meters
They quickly deplete us
Leaving all of our saggy bits sagging

But is there a story behind Beinn a’Chlaidheimh?
Is there something that gave it the chop?
Did some UFO plummet
And slice off the summit
To leave it a tad short on top?

Is it really the tallest of mountains
With its peak somewhere off in the stars?
Did a little green chap
Give its apex a zap
To build his own Munro on Mars?

A-hunting we will go

AnElephantCant take this too seriously
A chap who offers himself to be hunted
We just do not feel
That he is for real
And our thoughts are perhaps better left unsaid

He is an American of course no surprise there
A kinda hill-billy fella called Mork
He says if you pay him
You can then try to slay him
He reckons this could become a new sport

Now elephants were once used in hunting
A mahout on our back in a howdah
A prat with a gun
Shooting tigers for fun
His laughter growing louder and louder

But Mork says he is not just a target
He won't be at your beck and call
He most certainly will not
Give you a clear shot
It won't be easy to put his head on your wall

He plans to create some diversions
So be sure that your focus won't lapse
We're not scared a bit
Of a trench or a pit
But we look out for an Elephant Trap!

Haircut Horrors

AnElephantCant pretend that we are au fait
With the practices of old Istanbul
Now you may be right
We are not too bright
But please don't think we are anyone's fool

In our home town of Helton-upon-Sea
There is a new barber shop in the offing
We hope that this Turk
Doesn't smoke when he works
So his hand will not shake with the coughing

We hear Turkish barbers clean by burning
All the hairs in your facial orifices
We are not afraid
But it has to be said
The idea brings large lumps to our oesophaguses

You know AnElephant has rather large flappers
Like wee Noddy's old buddy Big Ears
The thought of some mug
With a match near our lug
Somehow darkens our darkest dark fears

And if he comes near our proboscis
We would surely be in a blue funk
We're not scared to lose
Maybe one or two toes
But we're sunk if we damage our trunk

So we will take double care with our good bits

And if this new barber decides
That we look a mess
We will say oh yes
Please give us a short back and sides

The Chairman

AnElephantCant run a global media empire
He is too unambitious by miles
He can doodle and rhyme
He can noisily mime
And occasionally maybe raise a few smiles

This is not a great big corporation
Getting up to some dubious tricks
Believe if you will
That it's just me and Phil
And the chairman who just last month turned six!

Our chairman isn't what you call hands-on
He prefers to hunt dragons in the park
But he doesn't fret
That we'll corrupt the Met
He trusts AnElephant not to be like a shark

AnElephantCant get involved in controversy
About newspapers politicians and cops
We have to confess
It is anyone's guess
Where this corruption is going to stop

We have our own very clear set of ethics
We don't mock human frailty like some
We don't hack we don't harass
We could never embarass
The chairman or the chairman's dear mum

Now perhaps when he grows up to be eighty
He will have more interest in what is going on
Incompetent unaware
Guilty but don't care
Who do you think is running their business wrong?

Tour de France

AnElephantCant cycle quickly for three weeks
He is not aerodynamically designed
But on this year's Tour
There's one thing for sure
He's determined not to be left behind

There have been crashes galore in the first week
Some chaps got knocked down by a car
From French Television
We react with derision
AnElephant is too big by far

AnElephantCant be the best ‘grimpeur’*
He is just a bit heavy to climb
But going downhill
(an incredible thrill)
He can make up a mountain of time

He is dedicated to helping his team mates
A water carrier - in French 'domestique'
They give him three cheers
When he spreads out his ears
Giving shelter from the rain and the heat

AnElephantCant cycle up mountains
But as a sprinter he’s out on his own
He’s got sensational thighs
So in spite of his size
His aim is Paris in the Maillot Jaune

*grimpeur = climber

Cruisin'

AnElephantCant claim he's a sailor

He doesn't handle deep water too bravely

He is not keen on boats

Or anything that floats

But he loves a trip with his chums on The Waverley

He is not built for most modes of transport

Not being what you'd call streamlined

He does prefer paddles

To bicycle saddles

Which cannot cope with his wobbly behind

 

An evening with friends on The Waverley

Meandering round isle and up loch

Seeing bens clad in heather

Ignoring the weather

Is like life in a magic pibroch

We retire inside for refreshments

After two hours we all feel a bit drouthy

We sit for a while there

With no sign of Smiler

He always flees when Rab gets out his moothie

Now it's true there have sometimes been hiccups

Though the engines run smoothly as clocks

With no yellow marking

It is tricky parking

Or you end up with Scotch on the Rocks

The passengers are locals and tourists

So interesting to study behaviourally

We are calling it time

We have no more rhyme

Just our thanks for the Paddle Steamer Waverley

Notes:
The Waverley is the world's only ocean-going paddle steamer, sailing on this occasion from Helensburgh, Argyll & Bute, up Loch Long and Loch Goil.
drouthy - dry, thirsty
moothie - harmonica, mouth organ

iNnoying iDiots

AnElephantCant stand extraneous noises
Perhaps it's the size of his lug-holes
iPad and iPod
iPhone oh dear God
He wants to flush the whole lot down the plug-hole

When this elephant is on public transport
He is assaulted by other folks music
The noise rattles inside us
Causing constant tinnitus
Is it just us or does it also make you sick?

At one time everybody wore headphones
So only their own brains got scrambled
Now this is no lie
They sit down nearby
And blow your head off without any preamble

They don't worry if they give you headaches
They don't care if you react with shock
We are not malicious
But we'd find it delicious
If the whole bunch were infected with iPox

5 Minute Theatre

AnelephantCant - Phil and I - had the honour to be invited back to Greenburn School, East Kilbride to help the children and staff prepare a short piece of Live Theatre to celebrate the 5th birthday of The National Theatre of Scotland.

This is what Scottish Television had to say prior to the event:

http://entertainment.stv.tv/onstage/259123-national-theatre-of-scotland-project-inspires-school-children/

The chosen work was based on a book called The Adventures of Jack the little Giant and the Clock Tower, written by me and brilliantly illustrated by Phil.

We are delighted to report that it is a favourite read at the school.

http://www.greenburn.org.uk/

 On a previous visit we were amazed and hugely flattered to discover that the children had built a 10-foot tall giant specially for our workshop - we do readings and 'magic' art - and it totally dominated the proceedings!

This time it was much more interactive with the children providing the sounds and faces of the characters from the story. Even the audience entered into the spirit of the event by wearing masks to represent the animals in the story.

The performance was filmed LIVE by the National Theatre of Scotland and streamed LIVE to both their own and STV's websites:

Here it is!

Please take a few moments to watch and enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=le_5nB3_cu0

 

We thought that the children were wonderful, but please feel free to add your own comments to the video.

Florence Nightingale Syndrome

AnElephantCant always be serious
As we create exquisite Burnsian verses
We think you will find
We have focussed our mind
When some bloke has a pop at our nurses

This numpty who sits up on high
Says their uniforms must not be revealing
In their starchy white
They make us feel all right
No matter what’s broke or how bad we’re feeling

Every schoolboy has affection for nurses
They’re efficient and gentle and kind
Though it’s far in the past
These memories last
Some things you just can’t leave behind

These good ladies take care of our problems
When we are lying all bandaged in bed
AnElephant’s plea
Is just leave them be
Although we may be quite old we’re not dead

Boris in deep water

AnElephantCant dislike Boris Johnson
Although he may be as mad as a hatter
But we think this time
He has crossed a line
He decides that he wants Scottish water

The Mayor of London has very high standards
To source a product as important as this
We might have guessed
He would chose the best
To let us know he’s not just full of, erm, hot air

Now BoJo is an honourable chappie
Who pays a fair price for what he has bought
To warrant this fee
We’ll do thorough QC
To guarantee his water has been passed by a Scot

A Sheep called Shrek

AnElephantCant help shed a tear
For Shrek that most outrageous of sheep
He was one of a kind
Independent of mind
Who decided his wool he would keep

He just went to a cave up a mountain
The shearers all thought he was dead
But he hid like mad
In his wee secret pad
With his wool he had no need of a bed

When he decided to pop down for a haircut
They took off 30 kilos of fluff
In a couple of toots
You’d make 20 big suits
No way you can make up this stuff

Now the Kiwis are mourning our hero
Who kept half of the country quite cosy
This elephant is sad
Although also quite glad
At least this Merino wasn’t called Jose

FIFA fo fum

AnElephantCant figure what’s happening
With all these strange goings-on at FIFA
They’re now sending for Kissinger
No don’t shoot the messenger
But we think they’d be better with Keifer

Jack Bauer would sort this out in no time
He’d soon rid us of President Blatter
We’ll say this about Sepp
He was never in debt
As his fat cats just sat and got fatter

It seems that there has been corruption
It is now splashed all over the press
A bung here and there
Are we being unfair
Or is it one gigantic unholy mess?

What this pachyderm finds so amusing
Is the source of this moral high roller
Not the Associations
Of footballing nations
But those guardians of youth - Coca Cola

Yes Coke and McDonalds are upset
This does not reflect well on their image
They don’t care who is greedier
Till it gets in the media
Now they react with great moral outrage

Mr K is above any suspicion
A Nobel-winning peace-loving giant
So don’t even think
There can be any link
Because Coke is listed as being his client

Relocation of Edinburgh Castle

AnElephantCant help feeling sorry
For the problems that Princes Street faces
This great thoroughfare
Built with such care
In a city of such airs and graces

Edinburgh New Town was designed to be perfect
With George Street the jewel in the crown
But folk vote with their feet
And soon Princes Street
Was the most popular shopping in town

On a rock high above stands the castle
It is Scotland’s most desirable location
But one tourist said
While scratching his head
Why did you build it so close to the station?

Glasgow has its own retail problems
The old main streets are fast being closed
For each charity shop
An independent is chopped
And consumers are leaving in droves

Young mums prefer out of town centres
Where shopping is less of a pain
You drive there stress free
And park for no fee
Stroll around with no thought for the rain

We do have a solution to all this
We do not just trumpet for fun
The decline can be stopped
With a wee simple swap
Just listen to what can be done

Glasgow takes over the castle
And rebuilds it close to the river
It can’t be denied
That close to the Clyde
The locals would think it wiz jist pure dead clever

We give Edinburgh the St Enoch Centre
To locate where the castle now isn’t
A capital delight
With shops on both sides
We’d soon see that the spending had risen

This solution will keep everyone happy
Princes Street with not one side but two
We’ll all be well off
With the postcards we sell of
Scotland’s best known landmark with a great river view!