Queen's Park Sesquicentenary Year

AnElephantCant do poetic justice

To Glasgow’s Queen’s Park in the spring

The pond has tadpoles

And from the flagpole

We see flowers and hear the birds sing

 The park celebrates its sesquicentenary
This year with a host of events
A much loved space
This dear green place
Deserves to get millions of presents

 When it opened Abe Lincoln was president
Alice in Wonderland was being penned
Which just goes to show
It was a long time ago
The US Civil War was still far from its end

There are fewer dragons and mammoths in the trees now
Because my young leader will quite soon be seven
But laser beams and stun guns
Means we can still have fun
In the dens in the bushes in our heaven

Our sticks which once shot sabre-dino-dragons
Are re-commissioned with extraordinary functions
They have magical power
Making super baddies cower
While we blitz them without the slightest compunction

We play tennis and putting each Monday

Joints and bones are starting to creak
He climbs swings and larks
Around the play park
While this old dude feels like an antique

There are areas which are wild and unspoilt
Where we run free without any plan
We jump over logs
Sing Teddy Bear and Hound Dog
Yep my best friend is a cool Elvis fan

When I am puffed out we go to the rose gardens
Which commemorates some of Scotland’s great poets
While I try to relax
He plans more attacks
And we are off again before you know it

At the end of the day we get ice cream
That’s our reward for being good as gold
With a tub or a cone
We meander back home
Through Queen’s Park which is 150 years old

Lochwinnoch Rocks

AnElephantCant always be poetic

He has not had much time to prepare this

But he feels it’s his duty

To display Scotland’s beauty

So sit back and relax while he shares this

The chairman* suggested a trip to Lochwinnoch

On a train from Glasgow Central Station

We may be prosaic

But we like this mosaic

A remarkably colourful tessellation

Lochwinnoch is a small country village

Twenty miles or so south-west of Glasgow

It sits on a loch

Which is not named Winnoch

The reason can be found in the past though

Castle Semple Loch is a Bird Sanctuary

Where the chairman is a Wildlife Explorer

An RSPB site

It inspires delight

And a great source of natural lore there

There are hides where you watch the birds feeding

If you’re not quick you click the perch they were on

Finch robin and tit

But just walk on a bit

And see a tall elegant patient Grey Heron

The types of birds there might number a million

Varied shapes different sizes and hues

When it all gets too much

Spotting mallards and such

AnElephant chills out and enjoys the great views

There are dipping ponds with nets provided

An illustrated chart to match what you catch

Water boatmen pond skaters

But no alligators

So AnElephant’s leg stays quite safely attached

There are fun things for elephants and their calves here

Play areas and cool woodland walks

Wildlife photographing

Treasure hunts lots of laughing

This Elephant Can tell you that Lochwinnoch rocks!

*The Elephant’s grandson, and the inspiration behind the books and so much more

 

Pure Dead Walking

AnElephantCant understand Zombies
He’s not sure just what makes them tick
But one thing’s for sure
All that blood and gore
Leaves this Elephant feeling quite sick

He knows that this is a movie
The star is that wee hunk Brad Pitt
He’s not dishing out kisses
Cos he’s brought the missus
Local girls think that’s a right piece of bad luck

All Glasgow is acting its socks off
And George Square has become Philadelphia
The director has said
This city’s pure dead
And the locals all say gaun yersel’ there

AnElephantCant say what the plot is
He knows it is called World War Z
It’s stuck in his head
That it’s pronounced zed
But our friends from the States don’t agree

We have some advice for commuters
Be careful on your way to work
And keep your eyes open
Or you could be groping
A Zombie if he’s having a lurk

All too soon the excitement is over
Nothing left but the scars and the stains
It’s goodbye to Brad
But don’t feel too sad
Instead of Mars Bars we’ll munch deep-fried brains

Titan Clydebank Crane

So we decided to pay a visit to the recently renovated Titan Clydebank Crane.

Easily accessible by car or public transport, this is a fun way to enjoy a glimpse into the history of ship-building on the Clyde.
From the ticket booth a courtesy bus takes us along the river to the foot of the crane.
A recorded voice, which a fellow visitor identifies as actor Bill Paterson, describes our surroundings.
At the crane there is a smart little gift shop with souvenirs and coffee.
A lift takes us to the top, from where the views are spectacular.
If you are of a slightly queasy disposition it is best not to look down at your feet, as the floor is of a lattice or open grid construction which allows you to see the ground far below!

There is a guide up here – Mary, on the day we visited - who is available to talk about the history and construction of the crane, and to point out the landmarks in the surrounding countryside, but equally happy to leave you to explore alone.

This leaves her free to watch the police launch check the river banks for whatever police launches check river banks for.

Inside the wheel-house you can inspect the machinery close-up, and view the photographic exhibition detailing the history of John Brown’s shipyard.

The Titan Clydebank Crane is a 150 foot high marvel of Scottish engineering.
It sits on the north bank of the River Clyde, in the town of Clydebank (hence the name!) and lies about half-way between Glasgow city centre and Dumbarton.
The crane was built by Arrols of Dalmarnock, Glasgow, in 1907 for John Brown & Company Ltd, Clydebank Engineering and Shipbuilding Works.
It is the oldest crane of its type in the world.

Technical Stuff
The cantilever is 240 feet in length, the long arm being 150 feet and the shorter one 90 feet.
It sits on a tower of four columns pitched 40 feet apart at the base and tapering to 35 feet at the top, and revolves on a live-ring and steel rollers 124 feet from the ground.
The Titan was equipped with two hoists.
The main hoist could lift loads up to 150 tons, and operated at very slow speeds – maximum 5 feet per minute.
The auxiliary hoist handled loads up to 30 tons, at much increased speeds.

In the 1950’s a high speed 5 ton ‘jigger’ hoist was added.

The Titan was electrically powered throughout, although at that time steam-powered cranes were still being built.
Electricity meant that the crane was entirely controlled by one man, the driver, although a ‘greaser’ also worked on it, keeping the machinery fully lubricated.
The foundations consist of 4 steel cylinders each 10 feet in diameter, but belled out to 13 feet at their base.
They were sunk to a depth of 75 feet.

Only 60 Giant cantilever cranes were built world-wide, and as of 2007 14 remained.
Five of these are on the Clyde and one at Rosyth. The others are in England (3), USA (2), Japan (2) and Australia.

The Views

The crane provides a fascinating insight to the historical significance of ship-building on the River Clyde, as well as panoramic views to Dumbuck Quarry in the west, the Kilpatrick Hills to the north and Glasgow, the Airport and the River Cart to the east and south.

The Ships

In the intervening years, many great ships were built here.
A few examples:
1968 QE2, the Queen Elizabeth 2, flagship of the Cunard line from 1969 to 2004
1967 Intrepid, took part in the Falklands campaign
1953 HMY Britannia, the Royal Yacht of Queen Elizabeth II
1949 Destroyer Diamond, John Brown’s first all welded ship (not riveted), served in Suez
1942 HMS Indefatigable, aircraft carrier, present at formal surrender of Japanese in Tokyo Bay, September 1945
1936 RMS Queen Elizabeth, luxury liner, served as troop carrier in WWII
1934 RMS Queen Mary, luxury liner, Cunard flagship and Blue Riband holder
1931 RMS Empress of Britain, largest passenger ship built in UK, owned by Canadian Pacific Steamship Company, the largest ship sunk by a U-boat (1940)
1918 HMS Hood, the last battlecruiser to be built for RN, sunk by German battleship Bismarck in 1941
1916 HMS Repulse, battlecruiser, sunk by Japanese in 1941 off Malaya

RMS Queen Mary from Wikimedia Commons

Photograph by David Jones from Isle of Wight, United Kingdom









Lusitania

As a point of interest, immediately prior to the acquisition of the Titan, John Brown in 1906 launched RMS Lusitania.

This record-breaking ship was en route from New York to Liverpool when it was sunk by German torpedoes in 1915 with the loss of 1,198 lives.
Public outrage on both sides of the Atlantic meant that this was a major influence on the USA’s decision to enter WW1.

The Blitz

In 1941 the shipyard was targeted by the German Luftwaffe.
The blitz of 13 and 14 March largely destroyed the town of Clydebank, causing the worst destruction and civilian loss of life in all of Scotland.
Records show that 528 people died, 617 people were seriously injured, and hundreds more were injured by blast debris.
The shipyard escaped any serious damage.
4,000 houses were completely destroyed and 4,500 severely damaged, leaving over 35,000 people homeless.
Out of a total of 12,000 houses, only seven remained undamaged.
Attached is a map showing the damage caused on those dreadful nights.

http://www.tommckendrick.com/code/blitzmap1.htm

Scottish Engineering

Well, it is time for a wee plug.

Scotland is famous for its engineers, e.g.:
John Logie Baird (1888-1946) – inventor of television, from Helensburgh
Henry Bell (1767–1830) – pioneer of steamship development, notably The Comet
Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922) – inventor of telephone and much more
James Watt (1736-1819) – developed the steam engine and the concept of horsepower
John Dunlop (1840-1921) – developed first inflatable tyre
Kirkpatrick MacMillan (1812-1878) – the bicycle
James Clerk Maxwell (1831-1879) – electro-magnetism
Robert Watson-Watt (1892-1973) – radar
John Loudon Macadam (1756-1836) – roads
Thomas Telford (1757-1834) – roads, bridges, canals
Steve Conway (1959-) – Channel Tunnel
Robert Stevenson (1772-1850), and his sons and grandsons - lighthouses
And, of course,
Montgomery Scott (2222-) – Chief Engineer, Starship Enterprise

Note: This is in no way an exhaustive list, just some personal favourites. Apologies in advance for any omissions.

The End

In 1972 the shipbuilding era came to an end.

The regeneration of this area is now, at long last, underway.
This visit was inspiring and saddening, but most of all thought-provoking.
A unique insight to Scotland, past and present.
Well worth a look when you have a couple of free hours.

Relocation of Edinburgh Castle

AnElephantCant help feeling sorry
For the problems that Princes Street faces
This great thoroughfare
Built with such care
In a city of such airs and graces

Edinburgh New Town was designed to be perfect
With George Street the jewel in the crown
But folk vote with their feet
And soon Princes Street
Was the most popular shopping in town

On a rock high above stands the castle
It is Scotland’s most desirable location
But one tourist said
While scratching his head
Why did you build it so close to the station?

Glasgow has its own retail problems
The old main streets are fast being closed
For each charity shop
An independent is chopped
And consumers are leaving in droves

Young mums prefer out of town centres
Where shopping is less of a pain
You drive there stress free
And park for no fee
Stroll around with no thought for the rain

We do have a solution to all this
We do not just trumpet for fun
The decline can be stopped
With a wee simple swap
Just listen to what can be done

Glasgow takes over the castle
And rebuilds it close to the river
It can’t be denied
That close to the Clyde
The locals would think it wiz jist pure dead clever

We give Edinburgh the St Enoch Centre
To locate where the castle now isn’t
A capital delight
With shops on both sides
We’d soon see that the spending had risen

This solution will keep everyone happy
Princes Street with not one side but two
We’ll all be well off
With the postcards we sell of
Scotland’s best known landmark with a great river view!

public transport

AnElephantCant go on a choo-choo
Apparently that’s just not allowed
We think that you’ll find
His considerable behind
Makes him stand out a bit from the crowd

In Wales they don’t even let horses
Ride on their trains because as they say
If you’ve got four feet
You can run down the street
On public transport you get in the way

So dogs are allowed if on leashes
Or anything you can put in a box
So squirrels or mice
Bed bugs or head lice
And they’re fine with my friend Phil the Fox

It does seem a bit arbitrary
To carry commuters or football supporters
But we don’t take the hump
We’re a big heffelump
It’s not like we’re wee lambs to the slaughter

Animal smuggling

AnElephantCant condone animal smuggling
He thinks this an enormous disgrace
A chap from Thailand
Clearly not a nice man
Had a pile of wee tots in his case

He had leopard cubs, panthers and monkeys
In his luggage and even a bear
This just is not funny
There is not enough money
To justify this lack of care

So what do we do to prevent this?
What punishment do you think is due?
We don’t do persecution
But a fair substitution
Might be twenty five years in a zoo!

Creative solution to knife crime

AnElephantCant ever condone violence
Or carrying a weapon with intent to wound
But Labour’s campaign
Is quite frankly insane
We have suggestions if you just stay tuned

Some folk carry knives for a purpose
Like an artist a joiner a chef
Tradesmen need their tools
The police would look fools
To arrest everyone with a weapon of death

No the punishment must provide the answer
To carrying chibs with intent to chib
If you carry a knife
To ruin someone’s life
Then it’s obvious you should get your dibs

So what we suggest is a contest
Where these idiots can stab as they like
Now this may sound cruel
A back sword fencing duel
Lets them pierce prod and jab with a spike

For an opponent we suggest some rich banker
Although sometimes we cannot call him that
And folk who’ve been mugged
By banks or by thugs
Can sit round and cheer tit for tat

Now Butch Cassidy laid down a precedent
For a knife fight there must be set rules
No need to be glum
Because only the bum
Can be stabbed in back sword fencing duels

Old folks who are robbed of their pensions
And young ones just treated like dirt
By neds in the street
Deserve a wee treat
To make up for the fear and the hurt

The audience will have bottles of Sarsons
Supplied free at back sword fencing matches
To amuse the crowd
They will be allowed
To splash it happily all over the scratches

don't drink and drive Montana style

Safety Thirst


AnElephantCant stop himself laughing
At this news from Montana of course
If you’ve been for a beer
And your vision’s unclear
Leave your wheels and go home on your horse

The Department of Transportation
Made a video to keep folks out of trouble
If you go to the bar
Don’t drive there in your car
Take your horse and relax with a double

Now it was not supposed to be literal
The nag was just shown as a metaphor
But this mountainous race
Took the advice at face
The analogy they didn’t get for sure

No surprise there’s a city called Glasgow
At the heart of this faraway land
A new breed of Weegie
Who crawl onto their gee-gee
And trot home when they’re too drunk to stand

AnElephantCant help thinking of worse things
You could do when you’ve polished your dram off
When it’s time to go
Don’t walk home in the snow
Hitch a ride on a big woolly mammoth

export drive

AnElephantCant halt the recession
We think that is Camelegg’s job
But we’re beginning to increase our exports
And to generate quite a few bob

We have received two Australian orders
Both of them strangely from Perth
They noticed our books on the website
And said please send them to the ends of the earth

So now we are growing famous Down Under
(and we don’t want to hear any rude jokes)
We know we’re not Slessor or Livingstone
We’re not sure we can civilize folks

There is a long-standing Scottish tradition
To explore educate cure and feed
Eric Liddell would find this quite a challenge
AnElephantCant teach an Aussie to read!

Trunk Calls

AnElephantCant rely on his email
His laptop or broadband go down
So he is making a plan
As an Elephant can
He is no technological clown

There’s an old fashioned method called writing
It’s much easier to learn than you think
The Chinese used feathers
To mark down their letters
But he can use pencils or ink

He just pops his mail into a post-box
And it will get where it’s going next day
So no need to worry
Is he in such hurry
Has he got anything real urgent to say?

In an emergency he can use the telephone
It saves someone deciphering his scrawl
Wherever they are
No matter how near or far
An Elephant can employ a trunk call

So let’s remember alternative methods
Of telling our friends how our daily life goes
We can always write
Or phone them at night
So much safer than those broken Windows

shuffle your waje!

With sales far beyond expectation and wedges of moolah now in the company’s bank account, Helensburgh’s innovative business, AnElephantCant, scored a major success at the recent Homes & Interiors show at Glasgow’s SECC.
The product this time is, as we’ve reported on before - Waje - and the strapline is ‘Shuffle your Waje’. It’s a hip phrase and it’s a neat concept - WAll JEwellery. The notion is dressing your walls without breaking the bank - and creating different relationships between the artworks as you do with your clothes.
The neat trick has been the creation of a special fabric on which the artwork is printed - one taking a specific adhesive device that allows the prints to be easily moved around. What you get is art on your walls with all the unpretentious serendipity of the poster - but with more substance and durability and a system that makes swopping around and creating new combinations of the objects quick and fun.
They describe it as ‘fine art at consumable prices’ and the art in question is original material by Greenock’s Phil Burns who, with Brian Cairnduff, is a partner in An Elephant Can’t.
Cairnduff says that, with their partners Richard Fildes and Bill Laughlin of 2Canvas, he and Phil had targeted this prestigious show as a market trial for waje - wall jewellery: ‘to test whether the great Scottish public was ready for this radical challenge to how art is packaged, sold and viewed’.
It was.
Reeling from the success of their bold investment, Cairnduff admits: ‘There are now dozens of folk out there with waje on their walls. They looked, they questioned and they bought. Most people took it on board very quickly, loved the idea that you don’t need frames, glass or nails, and were intrigued by the fact that is is moveable. The waje shuffle just took off!’
He pays tribute to the 2canvas team, saying: ‘The work done by Ricky and Bill was critical to this success. The high quality and resilience of the silk-like paper coupled with the ‘magic’ no-residue adhesive was a major factor in allowing Phil’s art-work to be presented in the best possible way’.
Naturally there a few sniffs from the oxygen-thin altitudes of the Scottish art establishment. While one art expert said: ‘You guys have created a new way of selling art’, Brian Cairnduff noted that: ‘Some dealers, of course, were less enthusiastic. But I guess even an elephant can’t please all of the people all of the time’.They almost bottled it. ‘We were sitting in a cafe outside Partick station, wondering if this was a really dumb idea even by our standards. We had done some market research, of course, but mainly through people who knew us. Taking Waje to an audience of thousands of complete strangers was suddenly an intimidating prospect.
Then the teenage waitress bounced up to our table with that special vitality that characterises so much of what Glasgow is about. I looked at Phil, he was grinning back at me.
“Joie-de-vivre”, he said, “That’s what we sell and people will buy it”.
And we’re taking no bets on what’s coming down the track next. ‘Wait till you hear our next scheme’, we heard, chortling in the ether. ‘We are going on a Great Highland Tour’. Will it be Loch Ness?