Tuesday 27 March 2012

Loch Lomond

'By yon bonnie banks an' by yon bonnie braes
Whaur the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond'

(Traditional Scottish - first published 1841)

AnElephantCant possibly do justice
He lacks the descriptive ability
Loch Lomond is quite
The most wondrous sight
An ocean of beauteous tranquillity

The morning mist lies low and eerie
The Elephant records in his Captain’s Log
Then the sun breaks through
Shows a sky of clear blue
And quickly dissipates Kermit the Fog

AnElephantCant claim to be useful
When he is asked to propel a canoe
He is not to blame
Perhaps it’s a shame
He is a pachyderm not a gnu

If each picture paints a thousand words
It is best if the Elephant is quiet
A very quick message
Black pudding and sausage
And the wee stove that Rab brought to fry it

Breakfast rolls and mugs of tea
On a loch of clear calm water
There is no surprise
This is paradise
Quite perfect (like the Elephant’s dear daughter)


AnElephantCant paddle for toffee
You might say he is more of a passenger
But it did provide time
To make up this rhyme
So be kind please and don’t shoot the messenger

If you can take a brief time off this summer
Then this wee rhyme may be a good omen
Do not go abroad
But take the high road
To the bonnie bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomond


Monday 26 March 2012

Budget 2012

We are all in this together
But the rich don’t have enough
The poor are just so greedy
Do they really need so much?

Rich people only work if they know they will get richer
Poor people just won’t work unless they are really poor
So it seems a whole lot fairer to take money off the old folk
Who cares? We know that they’ll be dead long before me and you are

Stop moaning all you folk out there
All this griping is unhealthy
If you want some help from George Osborne
All you need is to be wealthy

Forty plus years of PAYE
NI Vat and Council Tax
Stop your whining
There’s a silver lining
Davie Cameron knows the facts

It costs old folk 300 quid
To save Georgie 40k
You are out of luck
He doesn’t give a hoot
Because you are old and bald or grey

So you thought you’d have some comfort
A warm fire a cup of tea
You daft old cretin
You should not bet on
Any help from a rich Tory

Tuesday 20 March 2012

Blue and Yellow and black black black


AnElephantCant quite grasp the problem
That is vexing the Westminster louses
Should they tax the rich?
And if so then which
Those who make loads or the ones with big houses?

AnElephant doesn’t live in a £2 million mansion
Please forgive our sad lack of conceit
We are not being funny
But with that sort of money
You could jolly well buy our whole street

We don’t earn £150 thousand per annum
We would be up to our big ears in peanuts
If we did we’d be nice
And give up a slice
At that level we would not even see cuts

In London the story is different
Old Boris calls £250,000 chickenfeed
For a weekly column
We find this appalling
A cash-obsessed addict in need

The Government says they cannot tax the wealthy
On their income because they avoid it
We think they mean evade
We are being betrayed
If they have a conscience it is time they employed it

This Elephant is a quite simple beastie
We do not ever pretend to be clever
But we do get irate
When Cabinet millionaires state
OK chaps we are all in this together

Here is something we did suggest last year*
When Wee Dave thought Big Phil the bee’s knees
So George here’s our thought
Why not tax the whole lot
On the cash their wives ship overseas?

If our leaders won’t take cash from their rich chums
(At least not in the way of taxation)
We will ask a hard question
And make a suggestion
That may cause Dave and Nick some vexation

We detest all these bankers and traders
Their greed could cause the next revolution
We don’t want to nobble ‘em
But they are the problem
We believe they should be the solution

These folk make obscene wealth in this country
Then ship it to where their wives stay
They like a good laugh
They say don’t be daft
Tax is what little people pay

So this Elephant suggests independence
For the City of London’s rich gents
We are not being funny
Let them keep their money
And we charge a gazillion pounds rent

* http://anelephantcant.blogspot.com/2011/03/taxation-vexation.html

Monday 12 March 2012

While Rome burns

On the news that theRoyal Bank of Scotland, 84% owned by the UK government/tax-payer, is to relocate hundreds of call centre jobs to India.



AnElephantCant grasp Royal Bank logic
They are giving more workers the sack
You and I are the donors
Of their gigantic bonus
Still they won’t lend us our own money back

They have 350 who earn quite good wages
Over £1 million every year
They send good jobs abroad
This logic is flawed
250 more are out on their ear

They take 785 million pounds for their bonus
While the rest of us struggle for cash
It’s what we deserve
They announce with great verve
And they just keep on building their stash

They say that they must pay out our money
Or all the good people will leave
From our point of view
That’s just what they should do
And don’t treat us as though we’re naive

The taxpayer owns 84% of this bank
But they make 250 people redundant
More folk on the dole
They keep digging the hole
Can you climb out? AnElephantCant

We suggest to all Royal Band customers
Why not deposit your cash somewhere else
This is not a threat
Just have a nice debt
And tell Stephen Hester his business plan smells

Wednesday 7 March 2012

Frogs and grandsons

I spent yesterday afternoon with my grandson, who is 6 years old.

When I picked him up from school at 3pm he asked me if I knew anything about science or about projects.

By the time we met his mum at 6pm we had been to the pond, collected frog spawn, taken pictures of pond and spawn, and designed a project plan!

I suggested that we diarise the development of the tadpoles.

He said 'We can use the computer, I'll just do it in Word'!

When I was his age I dipped a slightly squinty nib into an inkwell!

Monday 5 March 2012

Windmills and Windbags

AnElephantCant say that he’s certain
Whether wind farms are good things or not
From what he has read
There is much to be said
On both sides so he gives it some thought

Clean energy is clearly a benefit
As Scotland strives to keep our planet green
But these structures might be
Considered unsightly
Can we build turbines that generate unseen?

AnElephantCant pretend he’s a big fan
Of the US tycoon Donald Trump
It is fair to say
He likes his own way
If he can’t get it he pure takes the hump

The last chap who tilted at windmills
Was in a book that our Don might have read
This affable clown
Was abruptly knocked down
He did not listen to what anyone said

So oor Donald is building a golf course
And would like the horizon protected
He thinks he can tower
Over our future power
He does not want to see wind farms erected

He thinks that he can tell our Government
What can be built off our scenic east coast
They have a mandate
From Scotland’s electorate
I don’t remember him getting our votes

Could he possibly have ulterior motives
For trying to get this project binned?
We could make whoopee
Poking fun at his, em, hair
But perhaps he just doesn’t like a strong wind

He claims he is trying to save Scotland
He holds our scenery in the highest esteem
Are we being unfair
To say he didn’t care
Until it affected his money-making scheme?

We have a wee message for Donnie
We are a friendly and peace-loving race
Please listen carefully
We don’t like a bully
So gi’e us peace and don’t get in our face