Ode to Spring

AnElephantCant stop looking out of the window
At the cold when he is cosy inside
As long as he stays in
The outlook’s amazing
Three miles across the great River Clyde

When it’s bleak - which is pretty much always -
Rain and hail swirl thick as fish stew
Clouds hanging low
Wind-driven snow
A combination to obscure any view

Then he sees the ferry come round from Kilcreggan
And the subs heading up to the base
Gulls on the wing
The first hint of spring
And crocuses bring a smile to his face

Sunny Helton-upon-Sea is a fun spot
You can easily pop down for a day
By car or by train
Or a boat o’er the main
And Loch Lomond is just minutes away

There’s a pier and a beach for the kiddies
There are places to go for your tea
Abandon your regime
And have a wee ice cream
In sunny Helton-upon-Sea

But there is a cloud for each silver lining
Trepidation makes AnElephant’s knees knock
A tear comes to his eye
When sunshine brightens the sky
He can see all the way over to Greenock!

Spurious Apostrophe Donation Society

AnElephantCant get the confusion
With apostrophes - why where and when
So let us set out a few simple rules
So they are never misused ever again

An apostrophe lets you know something is missing
Let’s all be quite clear about that
It also indicates the possessive
Cat’s pyjamas are the pyjamas of Cat

No apostrophe in a possessive pronoun
Yours ours his hers or its
But you will see it’s appearing in this word
To show that the ‘i’ is missing from ‘is’

Now you do have to understand one thing
We’ll make it as big and as clear as a mural
An apostrophe can be used for a good many things
But it is never to be used in a plural

Now there may well be pedants among you
Who question this extraordinary rant
When there is clearly an apostrophe missing
Which just proves that AnElephantCant

Taxation vexation

AnElephantCant fiddle his taxes
He is honest as his trunk is long
He doesn’t earn much
A few peanuts and such
But he knows tax evasion is wrong

He understands we all must contribute
To fund things like the National Health
To cure flu and rabies
Deliver healthy babies
Is worth a fraction of everyone’s wealth

Now most folk pay out of their wages
Small companies must follow the rules
We pay old age pensions
Keep crooks in detention
Put out fires and send children to school

But the problem lies with our most successful
Big companies who make money in stacks
Out of our top seven hundred
One third can’t be scunnered
Our biggest businesses pay no UK tax

The elite fly around in their choppers
They call Monaco or Switzerland home
They don’t care for the old
Or if children are cold
Their cash gets channelled tax-free to their gnomes

One quarter of all wealth on this earth
Is held off-shore in numbered accounts
No interest in famine
The rich keep on scamming
Our money to make their world go round

When our Davie has got a wee problem
The money keeps slipping away
He deals his best card
It isn’t too hard
A retailer knows just how to play

AnElephantCant provide a solution
To the iniquity inflicted by these
But here’s a wee thought
Why not tax the whole lot
On the cash their wives ship overseas?

don't drink and drive Montana style

Safety Thirst


AnElephantCant stop himself laughing
At this news from Montana of course
If you’ve been for a beer
And your vision’s unclear
Leave your wheels and go home on your horse

The Department of Transportation
Made a video to keep folks out of trouble
If you go to the bar
Don’t drive there in your car
Take your horse and relax with a double

Now it was not supposed to be literal
The nag was just shown as a metaphor
But this mountainous race
Took the advice at face
The analogy they didn’t get for sure

No surprise there’s a city called Glasgow
At the heart of this faraway land
A new breed of Weegie
Who crawl onto their gee-gee
And trot home when they’re too drunk to stand

AnElephantCant help thinking of worse things
You could do when you’ve polished your dram off
When it’s time to go
Don’t walk home in the snow
Hitch a ride on a big woolly mammoth

export drive

AnElephantCant halt the recession
We think that is Camelegg’s job
But we’re beginning to increase our exports
And to generate quite a few bob

We have received two Australian orders
Both of them strangely from Perth
They noticed our books on the website
And said please send them to the ends of the earth

So now we are growing famous Down Under
(and we don’t want to hear any rude jokes)
We know we’re not Slessor or Livingstone
We’re not sure we can civilize folks

There is a long-standing Scottish tradition
To explore educate cure and feed
Eric Liddell would find this quite a challenge
AnElephantCant teach an Aussie to read!

Gun law

Gun law

AnElephantCant quite grasp the concept
An Elephant hears a story that vexes
But he isn't the one
Who is carrying a gun
Into the government building in Texas

There are queues to get through the detectors
But you can walk right on by with your pass
With your Colt on your hip
It allows you to skip
Straight inside to prove this law is an ass

If they know you are carrying a weapon
Then you don't have to queue to be searched
For one that's concealed
You have a clear field
To shoot politicians like birds off a perch

Now they could try this in Westminster
But then again no perhaps not
Imagine the crowd
The place would be stowed
We would all be lining up for a shot!