Cruisin'

AnElephantCant claim he's a sailor

He doesn't handle deep water too bravely

He is not keen on boats

Or anything that floats

But he loves a trip with his chums on The Waverley

He is not built for most modes of transport

Not being what you'd call streamlined

He does prefer paddles

To bicycle saddles

Which cannot cope with his wobbly behind

 

An evening with friends on The Waverley

Meandering round isle and up loch

Seeing bens clad in heather

Ignoring the weather

Is like life in a magic pibroch

We retire inside for refreshments

After two hours we all feel a bit drouthy

We sit for a while there

With no sign of Smiler

He always flees when Rab gets out his moothie

Now it's true there have sometimes been hiccups

Though the engines run smoothly as clocks

With no yellow marking

It is tricky parking

Or you end up with Scotch on the Rocks

The passengers are locals and tourists

So interesting to study behaviourally

We are calling it time

We have no more rhyme

Just our thanks for the Paddle Steamer Waverley

Notes:
The Waverley is the world's only ocean-going paddle steamer, sailing on this occasion from Helensburgh, Argyll & Bute, up Loch Long and Loch Goil.
drouthy - dry, thirsty
moothie - harmonica, mouth organ

Wembley 1961

AnElephantCant forget all the heartache
And the tears from those long ago days
When our team headed over the border
Overburdened with false hopes and praise

They travelled from all over Scotland
From Inverness Dalkeith and Busby
On hearing the score one wee fella cried
I thought it was next week for the rugby!

Once again we believed we could beat them
Once again it was pearls before swine
Our brave laddies soon rattled in 3 goals
Alas the Sassenach battered in nine

We used to be no’ bad at the fitba’
There was one thing that we learnt too slowly
If you want to compete with the big guys
Then it’s better to play with a goalie

But we are a remarkable nation
We do not react well to oppression
So our stunning response to this setback
Was to beat them three times in succession

Aye we had some great players in those days
The Lawman Slim Jim and St John
But even though it is 50 years later
We remember April 15th 1961

Road Rage

Potholing


AnElephantCant pretend he’s surprised
At the state of the roads in Argyll
It’s perfectly clear
When the winter’s severe
You can find hundreds of potholes per mile

A & B has the worst roads in Scotland
18% require urgent repair
No time to reflect
When your car is wrecked
That our council has failed to take care

The cost of repairs across Scotland
Is 2 billion pounds and a quarter
We pay council tax
But face up to facts
The life of your car just gets shorter

Should we fill in the potholes with porridge
Or fling in a haggis or three
You don’t need horoscopy
To know your poor jalopy
Could soon be a pile of debris

So it is time for us all to take action
We could fill in the holes one by one
Before things get worse
(If you’re not averse)
With a giant pile of elephant dung