Road Rage

Potholing


AnElephantCant pretend he’s surprised
At the state of the roads in Argyll
It’s perfectly clear
When the winter’s severe
You can find hundreds of potholes per mile

A & B has the worst roads in Scotland
18% require urgent repair
No time to reflect
When your car is wrecked
That our council has failed to take care

The cost of repairs across Scotland
Is 2 billion pounds and a quarter
We pay council tax
But face up to facts
The life of your car just gets shorter

Should we fill in the potholes with porridge
Or fling in a haggis or three
You don’t need horoscopy
To know your poor jalopy
Could soon be a pile of debris

So it is time for us all to take action
We could fill in the holes one by one
Before things get worse
(If you’re not averse)
With a giant pile of elephant dung

breakfast in europe

Breakfast starts the perfect day

Pain au chocolat and café
Croissants avec confiture
The best way to begin your jour

La cocina is the place to be
Gran taza of herbal tea
Pan y queso quite a test
Now put your feet up have a rest

No point in getting stressed or tired
No sense making your brain all wired
Tranquilo international
Chill out and dream in Eurinal

Coulport - privatisation fiasco

AnElephantCant raise several billion
Of pounds that is oodles and oodles
So with a little support
We will just buy Coulport
With some rhymes and a few of Phil’s doodles

We’ll turn the place into a theme park
Invite kids from Arrochar Tarbet and Luss
It’s quite hard to reach
Loch Long’s stony beach
Perhaps the Council will lay on a bus?

The kids can take turns firing rockets
They can aim them at Russia or Spain
At 3 shots for a bob
That will be just the job
To stop our taxes being poured down the drain

AnElephantCant abide nuclear weapons
We have our own ultimate deterrent
No enemy can survive
Our midges and pies
Or a fortnight where the folk at The Fair went

Now Phil does some stuff that Walt Disney
He can draw missiles and stealth subs and stuff
We don’t want the Yanks
Owning our bonnie banks
So let’s tell them enough is enough

If the Americans take over Coulport
We must ask what else they might do
Will they conquer Rosneath
Garelochhead and beneath
Jings crivvens they’re heading for Rhu

Our plan is to keep the Clyde Scottish
And say no to the big Yankee bucks
No Hershey bars here
No Miller Lite beer
Just Irn Bru and a tea cake from Tunnocks

So let’s enjoy Scotland’s best day out at Coulport
See the foxes the seals and the deer
If enough people come
It will go like a bomb
All good fun - there is nothing to fear ……..

don't drink and drive Montana style

Safety Thirst


AnElephantCant stop himself laughing
At this news from Montana of course
If you’ve been for a beer
And your vision’s unclear
Leave your wheels and go home on your horse

The Department of Transportation
Made a video to keep folks out of trouble
If you go to the bar
Don’t drive there in your car
Take your horse and relax with a double

Now it was not supposed to be literal
The nag was just shown as a metaphor
But this mountainous race
Took the advice at face
The analogy they didn’t get for sure

No surprise there’s a city called Glasgow
At the heart of this faraway land
A new breed of Weegie
Who crawl onto their gee-gee
And trot home when they’re too drunk to stand

AnElephantCant help thinking of worse things
You could do when you’ve polished your dram off
When it’s time to go
Don’t walk home in the snow
Hitch a ride on a big woolly mammoth

export drive

AnElephantCant halt the recession
We think that is Camelegg’s job
But we’re beginning to increase our exports
And to generate quite a few bob

We have received two Australian orders
Both of them strangely from Perth
They noticed our books on the website
And said please send them to the ends of the earth

So now we are growing famous Down Under
(and we don’t want to hear any rude jokes)
We know we’re not Slessor or Livingstone
We’re not sure we can civilize folks

There is a long-standing Scottish tradition
To explore educate cure and feed
Eric Liddell would find this quite a challenge
AnElephantCant teach an Aussie to read!

Solar power

AnElephantCant quite grasp the concept

Of solar power (because he’s a Scot)
Water power is just fine
Wind doesn’t blow his mind
But the shine from the sun? He thinks not

The Swiss have a solar-powered airplane
They think can do a 24-hour flight
We are happy they say
It will fly through the day
But won’t there be a problem at night?

AnElephantCant claim to be expert at flying
(Any jokes about Jumbos you’re thumped)
But if the power goes off
While the plane is aloft
Won’t it come back to earth with a bump?

Now the Swiss make great watches and chocolate
And on mountains they are expert on skis
But try as they might
This plane won’t fly at night
They might as well make it of cheese!

Gun law

Gun law

AnElephantCant quite grasp the concept
An Elephant hears a story that vexes
But he isn't the one
Who is carrying a gun
Into the government building in Texas

There are queues to get through the detectors
But you can walk right on by with your pass
With your Colt on your hip
It allows you to skip
Straight inside to prove this law is an ass

If they know you are carrying a weapon
Then you don't have to queue to be searched
For one that's concealed
You have a clear field
To shoot politicians like birds off a perch

Now they could try this in Westminster
But then again no perhaps not
Imagine the crowd
The place would be stowed
We would all be lining up for a shot!