road less travelled

AnElephantCant say we’re great walkers
But we are a bit of a squeeze in a car
We are not built for a bike
So when we have to hike
We prefer a short stroll to going too far

A campaign by the Living Streets charity
Wants to get us all stretching our legs
We have to admit
We are not awfully fit
We don’t usually go further than Greggs

We quite like to meander or amble
We don’t often canter or trot
A leopard can lope
As can an antelope
But we assure you AnElephantCannot

When we go for a dauner or perambulation
We have to remember which roads we have crossed
We find one-way streets
Confuse some of our feet
We are embarrassed to admit we get lost

When our promenade leads to a bifurcation
We confess we can sometimes be baffled
We have a solution
To our state of confusion
We know the difference is to take the road less travelled

dauner – Scots for saunter
Greggs – a chain of retail bakers

http://www.livingstreets.org.uk/put-your-best-foot-forward-take-part-in-the-great-british-walking-challenge

Queen's Park Sesquicentenary Year

AnElephantCant do poetic justice

To Glasgow’s Queen’s Park in the spring

The pond has tadpoles

And from the flagpole

We see flowers and hear the birds sing

 The park celebrates its sesquicentenary
This year with a host of events
A much loved space
This dear green place
Deserves to get millions of presents

 When it opened Abe Lincoln was president
Alice in Wonderland was being penned
Which just goes to show
It was a long time ago
The US Civil War was still far from its end

There are fewer dragons and mammoths in the trees now
Because my young leader will quite soon be seven
But laser beams and stun guns
Means we can still have fun
In the dens in the bushes in our heaven

Our sticks which once shot sabre-dino-dragons
Are re-commissioned with extraordinary functions
They have magical power
Making super baddies cower
While we blitz them without the slightest compunction

We play tennis and putting each Monday

Joints and bones are starting to creak
He climbs swings and larks
Around the play park
While this old dude feels like an antique

There are areas which are wild and unspoilt
Where we run free without any plan
We jump over logs
Sing Teddy Bear and Hound Dog
Yep my best friend is a cool Elvis fan

When I am puffed out we go to the rose gardens
Which commemorates some of Scotland’s great poets
While I try to relax
He plans more attacks
And we are off again before you know it

At the end of the day we get ice cream
That’s our reward for being good as gold
With a tub or a cone
We meander back home
Through Queen’s Park which is 150 years old

Lochwinnoch Rocks

AnElephantCant always be poetic

He has not had much time to prepare this

But he feels it’s his duty

To display Scotland’s beauty

So sit back and relax while he shares this

The chairman* suggested a trip to Lochwinnoch

On a train from Glasgow Central Station

We may be prosaic

But we like this mosaic

A remarkably colourful tessellation

Lochwinnoch is a small country village

Twenty miles or so south-west of Glasgow

It sits on a loch

Which is not named Winnoch

The reason can be found in the past though

Castle Semple Loch is a Bird Sanctuary

Where the chairman is a Wildlife Explorer

An RSPB site

It inspires delight

And a great source of natural lore there

There are hides where you watch the birds feeding

If you’re not quick you click the perch they were on

Finch robin and tit

But just walk on a bit

And see a tall elegant patient Grey Heron

The types of birds there might number a million

Varied shapes different sizes and hues

When it all gets too much

Spotting mallards and such

AnElephant chills out and enjoys the great views

There are dipping ponds with nets provided

An illustrated chart to match what you catch

Water boatmen pond skaters

But no alligators

So AnElephant’s leg stays quite safely attached

There are fun things for elephants and their calves here

Play areas and cool woodland walks

Wildlife photographing

Treasure hunts lots of laughing

This Elephant Can tell you that Lochwinnoch rocks!

*The Elephant’s grandson, and the inspiration behind the books and so much more

 

Loch Lomond

'By yon bonnie banks an' by yon bonnie braes

Whaur the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond'

(Traditional Scottish - first published 1841)

AnElephantCant possibly do justice

He lacks the descriptive ability

Loch Lomond is quite

The most wondrous sight

An ocean of beauteous tranquillity

The morning mist lies low and eerie

The Elephant records in his Captain’s Log

Then the sun breaks through

Shows a sky of clear blue

And quickly dissipates Kermit the Fog

 

AnElephantCant claim to be useful

When he is asked to propel a canoe

He is not to blame

Perhaps it’s a shame

He is a pachyderm not a gnu

If each picture paints a thousand words
It is best if the Elephant is quiet
A very quick message
Black pudding and sausage
And the wee stove that Rab brought to fry it

Breakfast rolls and mugs of tea
On a loch of clear calm water
There is no surprise
This is paradise
Quite perfect (like the Elephant’s dear daughter)

 

AnElephantCant paddle for toffee
You might say he is more of a passenger
But it did provide time
To make up this rhyme
So be kind please and don’t shoot the messenger

 

If you can take a brief time off this summer
Then this wee rhyme may be a good omen
Do not go abroad
But take the high road
To the bonnie bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomond

 

Budget 2012

We are all in this together
But the rich don’t have enough
The poor are just so greedy
Do they really need so much?

Rich people only work if they know they will get richer
Poor people just won’t work unless they are really poor
So it seems a whole lot fairer to take money off the old folk
Who cares? We know that they’ll be dead long before me and you are

Stop moaning all you folk out there
All this griping is unhealthy
If you want some help from George Osborne
All you need is to be wealthy

Forty plus years of PAYE
NI Vat and Council Tax
Stop your whining
There’s a silver lining
Davie Cameron knows the facts

It costs old folk 300 quid
To save Georgie 40k
You are out of luck
He doesn’t give a hoot
Because you are old and bald or grey

So you thought you’d have some comfort
A warm fire a cup of tea
You daft old cretin
You should not bet on
Any help from a rich Tory

Blue and Yellow and black black black

 

AnElephantCant quite grasp the problem
That is vexing the Westminster louses
Should they tax the rich?
And if so then which
Those who make loads or the ones with big houses?

AnElephant doesn’t live in a £2 million mansion
Please forgive our sad lack of conceit
We are not being funny
But with that sort of money
You could jolly well buy our whole street

We don’t earn £150 thousand per annum
We would be up to our big ears in peanuts
If we did we’d be nice
And give up a slice
At that level we would not even see cuts

In London the story is different
Old Boris calls £250,000 chickenfeed
For a weekly column
We find this appalling
A cash-obsessed addict in need

The Government says they cannot tax the wealthy
On their income because they avoid it
We think they mean evade
We are being betrayed
If they have a conscience it is time they employed it

This Elephant is a quite simple beastie
We do not ever pretend to be clever
But we do get irate
When Cabinet millionaires state
OK chaps we are all in this together

Here is something we did suggest last year*
When Wee Dave thought Big Phil the bee’s knees
So George here’s our thought
Why not tax the whole lot
On the cash their wives ship overseas?

If our leaders won’t take cash from their rich chums
(At least not in the way of taxation)
We will ask a hard question
And make a suggestion
That may cause Dave and Nick some vexation

We detest all these bankers and traders
Their greed could cause the next revolution
We don’t want to nobble ‘em
But they are the problem
We believe they should be the solution

These folk make obscene wealth in this country
Then ship it to where their wives stay
They like a good laugh
They say don’t be daft
Tax is what little people pay

So this Elephant suggests independence
For the City of London’s rich gents
We are not being funny
Let them keep their money
And we charge a gazillion pounds rent

* http://anelephantcant.blogspot.com/2011/03/taxation-vexation.html

While Rome burns

On the news that theRoyal Bank of Scotland, 84% owned by the UK government/tax-payer, is to relocate hundreds of call centre jobs to India.

http://www.heraldscotland.com/comment/herald-view/a-jobs-export-that-goes-too-far.16944722

http://www.heraldscotland.com/politics/political-news/anger-as-rbs-transfers-scottish-jobs-to-india.1331003045

 

AnElephantCant grasp Royal Bank logic
They are giving more workers the sack
You and I are the donors
Of their gigantic bonus
Still they won’t lend us our own money back

They have 350 who earn quite good wages
Over £1 million every year
They send good jobs abroad
This logic is flawed
250 more are out on their ear

They take 785 million pounds for their bonus
While the rest of us struggle for cash
It’s what we deserve
They announce with great verve
And they just keep on building their stash

They say that they must pay out our money
Or all the good people will leave
From our point of view
That’s just what they should do
And don’t treat us as though we’re naive

The taxpayer owns 84% of this bank
But they make 250 people redundant
More folk on the dole
They keep digging the hole
Can you climb out? AnElephantCant

We suggest to all Royal Band customers
Why not deposit your cash somewhere else
This is not a threat
Just have a nice debt
And tell Stephen Hester his business plan smells