Hallowe'en

AnElephantCant contain his excitement
As the end of October draws near
His wee brain fair itches
As he thinks about witches
It is the scariest night of the year

Aye Hallowe’en is a night of fun
As long as you ca’ canny
You might see a de’il
Or a bogle for real
If you keek in each dark nook and cranny

Some traditions have lasted forever
Some changes we find quite surprising
In the US it’s neat
To say trick or treat
But in Scotland we still call it guising

There’s aye laughter and games for the children
With treacle scones hung on a string
Just mind your thrapple
When dookin’ for apples
In case a wean wi’ a fork takes a swing

And everyone carves out a lantern
We use turnips but some folk use pumpkins
We may be old fashioned
But please show compassion
AnElephant should not be confused with a bumpkin

Now though it’s all commercialised
We a’ do things we’re no’ supposed tae
It’s still the night
That causes fright
When we walk wi’ ghouls and ghosties

Hallowe’en is the night of the bogeyman
He frightens the bairns out of their heads
He has never been seen
But does that just mean
He is hiding under AnElephant’s bed?

Rugby World Cup 2011

AnElephantCant be expert at all sports
He’s not one to beat his own drum
Where rugby is concerned
He hasn’t yet learned
The difference between drop-goal and scrum

But this World Cup has got him excited
He has followed it through thick and through thin
The only down side
Is national pride
It’s one more trophy that Scotland can’t win

Our brave lads didn’t get to the knock-outs
Their defeat gave our heart-strings a wrench
The Irish were plucky
The Welsh quite unlucky
And England were battu by the French

The All Blacks march into the final
The Aussies left crushed in their wake
The Boks are out too
That just leaves Les Bleus
To give New Zealand a touch of heartache

We have always been quite Francophilic
But we can’t see them winning this prize
When Richie McCaw
Gets his mitts on the ba’
The AB’s just keep scoring more tries

We have some ideas for the next time
To give our team a chance of success
AnElephant or two
In Scotland’s dark blue
Would let us scrummage and ruck with the best!

Who wants to live forever

AnElephantCant get too excited
About what happens to him after he’s dead
He hopes he’s not lost
At sea or squashed
He’d like to pop off his clogs in his bed

Though he is not too fussed about after
It will be nice if a few friends come round
A story or three
And a nice cup of tea
When he’s been neatly tucked into the ground

Or maybe he’ll just get cremated
Not really a cause for concern
A wee puff of smoke
A laugh and a joke
And he’ll be sitting there in a big urn

Now it turns out there are other options
A whole new array of attractions
Such as Resomation*
For your information
It’s a method of body liquefaction

In Florida this is a boom thing
Because it is more eco-friendly
In fact it is no less
Than a chemical process
You could say it’s a bit sticky-endy

The other idea is Promession*
Where the body is carefully freeze-dried
It ends up all brittle
You tap it a little
And get a pile of dust about knee high

Now AnElephant isn’t sure that he likes this
Though no doubt it is all very clever
With typical candour
Like the mythical Highlander
He thinks it’s better to just live forever

AnElephant has one more suggestion
Which boosts the economy of our wee nation
Relax in your vault
With a bottle of malt
And drink till you reach distillification

*For more info:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alkaline_hydrolysis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Promession

Faster than a speeding bull frog

AnElephantCant quite grasp this concept
Which is causing all scientists big fright
Stunned looks all around
Have they really found
A wee sub-atomic doodah that goes faster than light?

They’ve got this Large Hadron Collider
(We thought that he’d built a big wall)
It’s a serious article
To find the God particle
To us it makes absolutely no sense at all

But why does it cause consternation?
It suggests Albert Einstein was wrong
We have always heard
E=mc squared
Can it be that he spoke with forked tongue?

It’s the basis of all modern physics
That nothing can go faster than light
If this is not true
What can stop us and you
From restarting our holiday fortnight?

Yes if these ghostly neutrino particles
Are doing what CERN says then this means
With a minimum of fuss
Ditch the car and the bus
We can all have our own time machines

On our first trip we’d head back to Aintree
With all our spare cash and then some
We don’t like to gamble
But with no more preamble
We would stick the whole lot on Red Rum

There’s still one thing that causes confusion
This Elephant spots a significant flaw
If travel to the past
Will soon happen at last
Why has nobody come back to let us know?

good day sunshine

AnElephantCant stay here all summer
He occasionally takes a wee holiday
When flying over France
He had a quick glance
And saw the doodling one going the other way!