Sunday, 31 July 2011

A-hunting we will go

AnElephantCant take this too seriously
A chap who offers himself to be hunted
We just do not feel
That he is for real
And our thoughts are perhaps better left unsaid

He is an American of course no surprise there
A kinda hill-billy fella called Mork
He says if you pay him
You can then try to slay him
He reckons this could become a new sport

Now elephants were once used in hunting
A mahout on our back in a howdah
A prat with a gun
Shooting tigers for fun
His laughter growing louder and louder

But Mork says he is not just a target
He won't be at your beck and call
He most certainly will not
Give you a clear shot
It won't be easy to put his head on your wall

He plans to create some diversions
So be sure that your focus won't lapse
We're not scared a bit
Of a trench or a pit
But we look out for an Elephant Trap!

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Haircut Horrors

AnElephantCant pretend that we are au fait
With the practices of old Istanbul
Now you may be right
We are not too bright
But please don't think we are anyone's fool

In our home town of Helton-upon-Sea
There is a new barber shop in the offing
We hope that this Turk
Doesn't smoke when he works
So his hand will not shake with the coughing

We hear Turkish barbers clean by burning
All the hairs in your facial orifices
We are not afraid
But it has to be said
The idea brings large lumps to our oesophaguses

You know AnElephant has rather large flappers
Like wee Noddy's old buddy Big Ears
The thought of some mug
With a match near our lug
Somehow darkens our darkest dark fears

And if he comes near our proboscis
We would surely be in a blue funk
We're not scared to lose
Maybe one or two toes
But we're sunk if we damage our trunk

So we will take double care with our good bits
And if this new barber decides
That we look a mess
We will say oh yes
Please give us a short back and sides

Friday, 22 July 2011

The Chairman

AnElephantCant run a global media empire
He is too unambitious by miles
He can doodle and rhyme
He can noisily mime
And occasionally maybe raise a few smiles

This is not a great big corporation
Getting up to some dubious tricks
Believe if you will
That it's just me and Phil
And the chairman who just last month turned six!

Our chairman isn't what you call hands-on
He prefers to hunt dragons in the park
But he doesn't fret
That we'll corrupt the Met
He trusts AnElephant not to be like a shark

AnElephantCant get involved in controversy
About newspapers politicians and cops
We have to confess
It is anyone's guess
Where this corruption is going to stop

We have our own very clear set of ethics
We don't mock human frailty like some
We don't hack we don't harass
We could never embarass
The chairman or the chairman's dear mum

Now perhaps when he grows up to be eighty
He will have more interest in what is going on
Incompetent unaware
Guilty but don't care
Who do you think is running their business wrong?

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Tour de France

AnElephantCant cycle quickly for three weeks
He is not aerodynamically designed
But on this year's Tour
There's one thing for sure
He's determined not to be left behind

There have been crashes galore in the first week
Some chaps got knocked down by a car
From French Television
We react with derision
AnElephant is too big by far

AnElephantCant be the best ‘grimpeur’*
He is just a bit heavy to climb
But going downhill
(an incredible thrill)
He can make up a mountain of time

He is dedicated to helping his team mates
A water carrier - in French 'domestique'
They give him three cheers
When he spreads out his ears
Giving shelter from the rain and the heat

AnElephantCant cycle up mountains
But as a sprinter he’s out on his own
He’s got sensational thighs
So in spite of his size
His aim is Paris in the Maillot Jaune

*grimpeur = climber

Friday, 8 July 2011


AnElephantCant claim he's a sailor
He doesn't handle deep water too bravely
He is not keen on boats
Or anything that floats
But he loves a trip with his chums on The Waverley

He is not built for most modes of transport
Not being what you'd call streamlined
He does prefer paddles
To bicycle saddles
Which cannot cope with his wobbly behind

An evening with friends on The Waverley
Meandering round isle and up loch
Seeing bens clad in heather
Ignoring the weather
Is like life in a magic pibroch

We retire inside for refreshments
After two hours we all feel a bit drouthy
We sit for a while there
With no sign of Smiler
He always flees when Rab gets out his moothie

Now it's true there have sometimes been hiccups
Though the engines run smoothly as clocks
With no yellow marking
It is tricky parking
Or you end up with Scotch on the Rocks

The passengers are locals and tourists
So interesting to study behaviourally
We are calling it time
We have no more rhyme
Just our thanks for the Paddle Steamer Waverley

The Waverley is the world's only ocean-going paddle steamer, sailing on this occasion from Helensburgh, Argyll & Bute, up Loch Long and Loch Goil.
drouthy - dry, thirsty
moothie - harmonica, mouth organ

Sunday, 3 July 2011

iNnoying iDiots

AnElephantCant stand extraneous noises
Perhaps it's the size of his lug-holes
iPad and iPod
iPhone oh dear God
He wants to flush the whole lot down the plug-hole

When this elephant is on public transport
He is assaulted by other folks music
The noise rattles inside us
Causing constant tinnitus
Is it just us or does it also make you sick?

At one time everybody wore headphones
So only their own brains got scrambled
Now this is no lie
They sit down nearby
And blow your head off without any preamble

They don't worry if they give you headaches
They don't care if you react with shock
We are not malicious
But we'd find it delicious
If the whole bunch were infected with iPox