Thursday, 28 April 2011

The Great Escape

AnElephantCant believe what has happened
It is greater than The Great Escape
500 walk out
It appears without doubt
There’s a break in the Afghan red tape

Now the prisoners did nothing outrageous
They just waited for help to arrive
Their chums tunnelled through
Said how do you do
Put their shoes on and ambled outside

We have spent many years in their country
We’ve spent several billions of pounds
So this Elephant thought
We just might have bought
Something to stop folk digging in through the ground

It’s a prison they’re in there’s a clue there
Guns and walls and barbed wire between
But these Taliban
Are quite clearly big fans
Of the great King of Cool Steve McQueen

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

air traffic control

AnElephantCant feel too blasé about flying
He likes his four feet on the ground
When he boards a plane
His primary aim
Is to get back to earth safe and sound

He was not too impressed by this story
Of the air traffic controller in Reno
With planes in the skies
He just closed his eyes
Had he been up all night at the casino?

As a flight was approaching his runway
He decided he’d just have a snooze
A bit of a laugh
Or a disastrous gaffe?
We would sure like to hear his excuse

What punishment is proper for this chap?
This elephant mumbles and grumbles
Send him where it is smelly
Let him put on his wellies
And make him clean up behind all the big Jumbos

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Creative solution to knife crime

AnElephantCant ever condone violence
Or carrying a weapon with intent to wound
But Labour’s campaign
Is quite frankly insane
We have suggestions if you just stay tuned

Some folk carry knives for a purpose
Like an artist a joiner a chef
Tradesmen need their tools
The police would look fools
To arrest everyone with a weapon of death

No the punishment must provide the answer
To carrying chibs with intent to chib
If you carry a knife
To ruin someone’s life
Then it’s obvious you should get your dibs

So what we suggest is a contest
Where these idiots can stab as they like
Now this may sound cruel
A back sword fencing duel
Lets them pierce prod and jab with a spike

For an opponent we suggest some rich banker
Although sometimes we cannot call him that
And folk who’ve been mugged
By banks or by thugs
Can sit round and cheer tit for tat

Now Butch Cassidy laid down a precedent
For a knife fight there must be set rules
No need to be glum
Because only the bum
Can be stabbed in back sword fencing duels

Old folks who are robbed of their pensions
And young ones just treated like dirt
By neds in the street
Deserve a wee treat
To make up for the fear and the hurt

The audience will have bottles of Sarsons
Supplied free at back sword fencing matches
To amuse the crowd
They will be allowed
To splash it happily all over the scratches

Monday, 11 April 2011

Wembley 1961

AnElephantCant forget all the heartache
And the tears from those long ago days
When our team headed over the border
Overburdened with false hopes and praise

They travelled from all over Scotland
From Inverness Dalkeith and Busby
On hearing the score one wee fella cried
I thought it was next week for the rugby!

Once again we believed we could beat them
Once again it was pearls before swine
Our brave laddies soon rattled in 3 goals
Alas the Sassenach battered in nine

We used to be no’ bad at the fitba’
There was one thing that we learnt too slowly
If you want to compete with the big guys
Then it’s better to play with a goalie

But we are a remarkable nation
We do not react well to oppression
So our stunning response to this setback
Was to beat them three times in succession

Aye we had some great players in those days
The Lawman Slim Jim and St John
But even though it is 50 years later
We remember April 15th 1961

Sunday, 3 April 2011

AnElephantCant always remember

AnElephantCant miss an appointment
He proverbially never forgets
But this week a strange situation
Left half of the duo perplexed

The poor artist found himself in a fankle
You might say he was in a tizzy
He sat in a café in Partick
And discovered he’d been slung a dizzy

It wasn’t that he’d nothing to do
Of ideas and thoughts he has oodles
So he got out his pencil and paper
And diddled a few of his doodles

Now it’s well known that he is the talent
His partner is pretty well clueless
But that did not stop his amazement
He didn’t realise that the writer could do less!